Tuesday, June 23, 2009


As Liverpool paid the princely sum of 18.5 million pound for Glen Johnson, another transfer was in progress in the depths of Derbyshire.

After a sleepless week, I walked into the showroom and Friday and completed the transfer on the VW Passat. With the medical passed, I drove down the A38 to parade my new signing in front of the Chairman and my home crowd. As we walked into the stadium together I could see the Chairman with a smile on her face. Her money had been spent well.

All boded well until we went for a little drive. The Chairman turned on the CD player whereupon, Relight My Fire rose to 30 on the volume scale and consequently blew the nearside speaker. The noise from the crowd in the back of the car (Chaz and Noodle) rose to a crescendo as it belted out to the crestfallen manager

'You don't know what you're doing!'.

I had to agree.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


I arrived at the garage to look at the subject car a VW Passat and was amazed to see that the price had been reduced from £5995 to £5599. This had to be a good omen. I then drove the car and it glided like a cross from David Beckham. The bodywork was also immaculate for a 5 year old car so I asked about the service history and was told that there is a full service history with the car.

This was going to go into the history books as the easiest car transfer of all time. So I paid the deposit of £250 and let out one of those I'm so chuffed with myself little laughs on the way out. But as I approached the exit, I said to the manager 'Can I have a quick look at the service history before I go?'

'Of course' he said, 'all vehicles come with full service histories because the cars are leased'.

And there it was, in between 35,000 and 64,000 miles was an in your face, bold as you like empty space where another service should have been. Without getting too technical the car can do a max of 20,000 miles between service due to long life oil but not 30,000! I mean... give the car a chance!

The peace in my little head had been shattered. I had been searching hard for a problem to replace my Champions League Worry and now Buying a Car had been promoted from the Championship to a UEFA Cup spot in barely a minute.

I walked out in pieces. It was a Bayern Munich moment. I had won and then I had lost.

And so now I sit here worrying about whether I should buy the car or not, listening to the many thousands of opinions from family members knowing that the balance needs to be paid for good on Friday whereupon my crucifixion will be complete.

I will keep you informed.


Saturday, June 13, 2009


What a week!

After scouring the job pages for a mere nine months I finally find myself once more in gainful employment subject to contract. Getting a Job is up there in my Champions League of Worries along with Marital Problems United and Death County. After being seduced by my Champions League problem for so long, I have been lulled into a virtual reality where my other problems have disappeared... or so I thought.

Today however, a new worry from the Championship has emerged from behind the shadow of Getting a Job and that is Buying a Car.

My journey into the car transfer market will unfold...


Saturday, June 6, 2009

94th Minute Equaliser Enables Replay with Publishers

Now, forgive me for feeling a little bit excited but I think I have made a breakthrough in the last 24 hours.

My good friend Paul came over last night with his wife Anna and I treated him to the extended feature in the Burton Mail. I mentioned to him that I was thinking about sending the manuscript to the football magazine 4-4-2 in the hope that they would serialise it.

Paul said to me 'You're wasting your time... my boy this is a book for the student market', as he sipped heavily on his ninth Grolsch.

How right he is... I had been thinking this exact same thought for a week or two.

As I waded into the recycling this morning with renewed vigour, I felt ready to have another go at the unforgiving book publishing market but in a slightly different direction. It's time to attack the students of Birmingham, the book's spiritual home. Details of defeats and occasional victories at the stadia in around and around Selly Oak cannot fail to arouse even the most docile Brummie student.

Could the Blues promotion be an omen?


Thursday, June 4, 2009



I hope you like the article in the Burton Mail (click on the goal below to find it...). My mum thinks I have made it. One of the patients at her clinic mentioned she'd seen the article and she was glowing...ready to take a bit of credit!Dont you just love her! Even my dad said 'Congratulations'. No mean feat to get a compliment from him. This is the man who said 'don't overreact' when Derby beat West Brom in the play off final.

What I liked most about the feature was the fact that people can actually see what I look like. I think readers expect the book to be written by a male model but as I mention in the first paragraph of the book that it is written by an ordinary bloke for other ordinary blokes.

At the moment, I am still in search of a publisher and it appears that the credit crunch has hit the book trade as publishers cut back on new titles. This will not deter me as the lads of England need this book to help them on their way.

Does anyone in cyberspace know who could possibly publish this book?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Cup Final miss ensures heartbreak for years to come

Anyway, it has been 3 months now since the book has been finished and there is still no sign of a publisher.

I suppose it must be a serious risk for a publisher to publish a book which involves

1 Football
2 Fun
3 And a formula for attracting women.

Maybe I would be better off writing a book titled ' Jordan and Peter - The Make Up'. Publishers would probably beating the door down for some third rate analysis of a subject which generates more interest than the combined forces of the The Credit Crunch and Global Warming. I have to concede that there is a part of me that is quite impressed by the pair.

On to more important matters and yesterday's Cup Final. I support neither team and so only have a passing interest in the game. Having watched the game from the start it was only natural that a goal scored within half a minute of the kick off would have been enjoyed by my good self and discussed later on in the afternoon with Daz and CT (hosting the barbecue) who were standing inches from me as the ball hit the back of the net.

However, Daz's wife (Daz came fifth in the Dating Championship) asked me "if............" and I still can't remember the question, at the very moment that Louis Saha received the ball ready to fire it into the Chelsea net.

As a football fan this was a poignant moment for me. This is because, for me, if you miss a goal live, then you cannot claim to have seen it. So when Daz and CT were discussing it at the table with sausages hanging out of their mouths and large grins adorning their faces, I could only discuss it from a bystanders point of view. You see the problem was that I didn't see the goal after all, I only saw the replay. All I did was look away at the instant the goal was scored but I knew I would resent that goal forever as I missed it. In conversations about the goal for years to come that goal would be like a woman who finished with me...... I could laugh about it , oh yes, but the pain would never completely go away.

Now the equaliser from Chelsea, that was an entirely different matter. The TV was on in the background but none of us realised that a goal had been scored. I felt nothing for that goal and the winner, a marvellous goal from Lampard( Tim Howard slightly at fault) I saw in the comfort of CT's front room. But the afternoon would be tinged with sadness with the one that got away.

I think it's time I forgave my mum for asking if I wanted a yogurt during the 1977 Cup Final.


Friday, May 15, 2009

The Perfect Match - A book for men who like football and women and a bit of a laugh...oh and a beer

I have written a book about football and dating.

It is a formula for attracting women based on the 4-4-2 formation.

Although the readers have scored the book highly publishers do not want to know.

They think that men will not buy a book about attracting women.

It is only 14000 words long and so would take even the slowest reader the same amount of time as it takes a Derby County season ticket holder to regret his purchase ( approx 1 hour).

I know that when I was 18 I would have sold my next 10 snogs for a book like this.

I am just ordinary bloke not some sort of male model, so it is written from League 1 perspective and not a Champions League.

The thing about this formula is that it works. Which is really what you want a formula to do.

So would you be willing to buy a book like this?